Pleasure in pain.

So in the current year, I have entered into as unemployed. Although I have a job, it doesn’t start back until March, and I do technically have my three internships, I would still count myself as unemployed seeing as I have a lot of free time and no cash monies.

For the first two months of this state I felt slothy and depressed, like I wasn’t pulling my weight, however I have sprung into 2016 looking at it a little bit differently. While I am still frustrated at my income and employment status I have found something that can bring joy back into the long days. Exercise!

I have started training at an MMA gym in Brisbane as well as maintaining my training at my regular gym and have found the feeling of pain is leaving me thriving. Am I crazy in the fact that I only feel good, productive and useful when I ache my way through the day? The joy tight muscles and aching abs brings me makes me laugh as I drive from my third training session of the day back to my home to eat my body weight in meat and vegetables.

I know I am not alone in my joy of pain, I merely am surprised that I have joined the ranks of crazed individuals that crave the pain that progress causes, the ache that shows your personal fitness growth. Because, let me be honest, it wasn’t long ago that my life goals were polishing off an entire tub of ice cream in a day and slothing around in the sun with friends.

However, while I do find an immense joy in aches and the lack of bloated bread related gains I will admit I am not yet the dedicated mad woman I idolise. I still, and probably will forever fall victim to allowing morning Sunday cuddles, and the call of a greasy cheese toasty. But I don’t mind, that’s just balance right?


A letter to my fifteen year old self;


Dearest Darling;

I hear you.
I found your poetry today my girl.
I hear you.
Your haunting words.
I hear you.
Your pain, your need, your suffering.
I hear you.
But let me tell you darling girl,
It gets better.

You see my girl, that enveloping darkness, the pain that you are so desperate to eradicate?
You need it, one day it is going to make you a better person.
Those scars you trace into your thighs and arms?
They will become your reminders.
Those meals you skip, the body you despise?
You will learn to love it, you will see it with fresh eyes.
The revolving door you maintain for love?
Will one day be shattered, there will be a time when you realise there is no real love for men in your early teens.

You write of love, of anger, of pain, of desperation and of longing. Your writing frightens me, I had forgotten how hard it felt to be fifteen year old me. You’re dealing with things that you think are unfair, you feel that the world is out to get you, and darling I understand. But I’m here to tell you, it will all be worth it one day. Today on the 17th day of June of your 21st year you’re finally going to let go.

My dear girl, I’m sorry you went through what you went through alone. You faced things that many twice your age would have struggled with, and I am sorry to tell you that you have a long hard battle ahead of you, and at times it is going to get a lot worse. But I am also here to tell you it is all worth it. I stand here, a strong, resilient woman, telling you, it will all be okay. The words I know you so long to hear. Come into my arms darling, I’ll hug the pain away, I know that’s all you want.

Your scars will fade, and you will learn that self harm will not fix you.
You will learn to love your body, it really is beautiful my girl.
The memory of your rape will fade, you will learn the beauty of sex, rather than seeing the pain.
You will meet a man who will test you more than ever, he will show you, you had never really loved till he came into your life.
He will leave, but he would have changed you in unimaginable ways.
You will run away from your life to the other side of the world.
You will find yourself there.
You and your father will no longer be together in solidarity against the world.
You will fight to protect him.
Your relationship will be forever changed, but you will love just as fiercely.
You will forgive your mother.
More importantly, she’ll forgive you.
She will be a pillar of support in your darkest hours, you will learn from her, what true strength means.

The take away message here my darling girl is:

You are stronger than you think,
you have many trials yet to face,
but, you will tackle them head on,
you will learn that men won’t be the answer,
you are loved,
and, you are your own saviour in the end.

It will all be okay…
You can let go now…


Twenty year old you.